Grieving

This has been an interesting couple of weeks. I was off for a week, spent time on the house, went to the temple (well, I tried anyway) and felt more free and had more energy than I had had in months. I then got placed with a company called NACVA-CTI. They are nice, the work is ok (a lot of data entering and answering phones) and I am grateful. But I know it is not where I belong. I can feel it. I need to be home. And getting my business built. And get the house ready to sell so we can get to AZ. A way will open, I know it will. This is the month.

I have also been doing some intense grieving. I have been listening to the theme music from finding nemo of all things. And it has brought out feelings of sadness and loss and pain. I miss Phil with my whole heart and soul. I know now I always will. I don't understand, but I do accept God's will. I have had a couple of dreams. 

In the first I was at Rae's house at the entry of her hallway and someone said, "Here's Phil!" And I could see everything but his face. It was weird. I remember feeling so happy. He wasn't dead! Then I woke up. Pretty disappointing. 

In the second one I was younger, almost like a teenager, but I had all of the children. I remember Cade being there most of all. I looked down at him, (he was just a toddler) and he said something really funny. My first thought was, oh, I need to call Phil and tell him. And then I remembered he was gone. And I started crying. Then my mom came, and I told her what happened and started wailing and crying uncontrollably. She came up behind me and put her arms around me and sat down. Then she held me in front of her while I cried and cried. I felt terrible when I woke up. LOL  Then I got a phone call a couple of nights ago, and Eric answered for me and I got a flash that it was Phil, it was Rae. We talked for two hours. I felt better after, but man, this is turning into one of those super eye opening experiences. Who knew this was coming? Who knew Phil would go first? Who knew it would hurt this bad and I would have so many regrets? This is hitting me so deep in my soul, I cannot even believe it. I just wish I knew he was accepting the gospel so we can all be together again. I am looking forward to going to the temple for his work to be done. Oh how I miss him. Oh how I miss him....forever.