What?!

My life....how can things get so messed up? I have worked for months on staying positive, keeping my head above water and believing, really believing. Eric is doing filmwork, I am so grateful, but for some reason we have not got paid. And won't for at least another three days, if we get paid at all. There is not enough food, ever, I don't know what my kids eat if they do, I have not paid one single bill, and I am feeling burned out, used up and wondering if I know how to feel the spirit at all. I don't think I do. I have felt so sure of the businesses I was to start. I felt sure where, when, and that God was leading us to work for Eric in the exact place we needed to be. So that we could move, he could work in his field, I could rest for a bit, and then get started. I was led to the job. It just popped into my head and there was a film job there, he applied, and now nothing. Not a word. What? Really what? And now because of another business idea I have lost a good friend, (realizing it could also just be me and my personality) but this was someone really important to me. Someone I could talk to who kept me going. What is wrong with me? I keep getting blessings talking about all this good stuff that is coming....problem is I have been hearing this for a long time. And life does not go on forever. We are getting older and nothing is changing for us. And I am afraid. Afraid we are going to die never having accomplished what we were sent to do. Or have we? Is all this stuff just imaginary to keep me here until....until what? Until I get old and die? Am I so delusional that I really don't have a grasp of what a mess I am in? I am not sleeping again, but I am so tired all day. I am not communicating with anyone because I don't see the point. I read to escape. And the worst, I feel myself giving up to the deep, dark place  I feel so completely alone. I don't want to die, thankfully, but I am having a hard time accepting and feeling very excited about the rest of my life on poverty row. Bankrupt spiritually, mentally, emotionally and financially. And this was going to be the year. The year of change. It would be funny if it wasn't so sickening. Why do things go so terribly wrong seemingly all the time. What on earth am I suppose to learn? What use is all of this. I have been reading lately about how wonderful death is on the other side. No worries, no pain, no unhappiness. That's fine. But I can't see being very happy on the other side if you have not had a very happy life living out your dreams here. I wish I knew what to do.