I got a blessing the other day. It said that you were happy. That you loved me, and you knew that I loved you. That you were seeing and learning the truth from mom and dad and other loved ones. And again that you were very happy. I am glad .
Please Phil, embrace the gospel. We will be doing your temple work in a year and I want you to accept it. Because in addition to getting your own endowment we will be sealing you to mom and dad. I want to see you again. I want us to be together forever.And the only way we can is if you accept your work being done. I can accept that I have to live the rest of my life without you here, at least I am trying. But, I don't know how I could ever cope if I thought we would not be together in eternity. We all miss you so much. You are all we can talk about practically. Because somehow it makes your absence more bearable. Keeps you with us a little longer I guess. And it helps to know others feel the same way. Not that I want your kids or mine to hurt, but it is comforting to not be going through this alone.
And most important. I am glad that you are happy and no longer suffering. I have wondered lately, "was he unhappy? was he sad? was he lonely? was the guilt starting to get to be too much? the years of separation from Ben and Sarah too much to bear?" If so, then I am glad it is over. For your sake. I cannot say the same for myself yet lol. I still miss and need you too much. I keep thinking, I need Phil to get through his death! How much sense does that make? Perfect sense actually even though it is not possible.
I want you to know I am trying to keep my promise of taking care of your kids. I write the two younger kids weekly. We talk, text and I check in with them when I can. I contact Sarah occasionally as well. I don't want to overwhelm her and take the chance of pushing her away. I still can't figure out why she talks to me. Why I am the only one. Do you know? I have a feeling you are at peace where she is concerned. That you are at peace over a lot of things. I am trying to build a better relationship with Terry and Kevin as well. As I have told Ilsie over and over, you were all the brother I ever needed so I didn't worry too much about having one with them. Terry and I mostly communicate over email. I think that is where he feels most comfortable. And Kev, we talk occasionally. Jill lost a cousin recently, maybe you have met her.
The day of your celebration I met someone who knew mom and dad. It made me miss them. Please give them a hug for me, and tell them I said hi. It seems like a long time since I have seen and talked to them. Even longer since you left. Ilse had a dream. I think it meant mom was waiting for you. I feel sure they were there to greet you. And that they are glad you are there with them. Somehow I think the three of you will make a dynamic team on the other side.
I am trying to learn to forgive Suzanne for keeping Ben from you. Again. As long as you were here and he had time with you, it was easy. Not so easy now that you are gone. Stupid, thoughtless Suzanne. I know I need to leave this to the Lord, and I will, eventually.
I wish I had called you more. Been more a part of your life. I saw pictures of you with your friends from your Chicago group and wish I had had as much time with you as them. But, I guess I had a lifetime, and they didn't get to be your sister and BEST friend. LOL.
So be happy, and I will be too. I try to everyday. We all miss and love you. I will keep in touch with the kids. Love, Lo
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