Phil

It has been four and a half weeks since Phil died. It feels like a lifetime. I need him today. I need to talk to him, spend time with him. I need to see him, laugh together, talk of anything. I just need him here, not there. In "Tear Soup" there is a sign, When one person is missing, the whole world seems empty. Today the world is empty, I am empty and I can't find anything to fill it. It just doesn't feel the same. It feels sad, and lonely, and endless and grey. There is no fun, no excitement, no real laughter. I can be pleasant, I can "get by". But the thought that he has left is never far away. And the ache is always there, whether I remember or acknowledge it or not. A couple of weeks ago I had this thought of what it would feel like if he had lived. And for a fleeting second, I felt this tremendous relief. And knew what it would have been like if he had lived. I don't know why I got that moment, and I'm not sure if it helped or not. I have spent a lot of time wishing I could go back to the week I was in Chicago and he was still alive. I keep going back to when I was driving his car and ended up in downtown Aurora. So weird. It truly is like living in a nightmare I can't wake up from.