Empty

 I am in such a messy place right now. I am just not happy in my life.  I miss Phil terribly and am still grappling with wrapping my head around the fact that he is no longer here. Oh my goodness is this hard. Who knew losing a sibling could be so overwhelming? I just want him to come back so much I ache. And I feel lonely a lot. I can hardly think about anything to do with being back in Chicago. Especially one afternoon when I was driving in his car for who knows why, and I ended up going through downtown Aurora. Something about that day simply haunts me. I don't know why. I miss when Ilse and I were in Chicago together, the morning we took a walk. I miss Ilse, I know all the children understand, but I feel like Ils understands me more than anyone else. I just feel so alone. I don't fit in at church anymore either. I didn't realize how much of my identity was tied to my calling. And there is no one to talk to. And I don't feel like I matter. And I care but I don't. I just feel so empty. "When one person is missing, the whole world feels empty." Empty, empty, empty.....
Something has got to give.....