Triggers

So are you ready for this? Good, because I'm not. It has been raining for the past 3 days and I have felt so much better. Why you ask?! Because when the sun is out,  and I am here at work it reminds me of when Phil was in the hospital. And sitting in the parking lot and recording a voxer to Phil saying good bye to him. So now the sun is back out and I am getting hit again. 
And here's another one. Ted is officially leaving today to move to Connecticut. Oh wow, on top of Phil leaving this is really intense for me. And you know what my trigger is for T? Halloween is coming soon.  Tedi and Clint always came over dressed up, Ted helped the kids with any makeup they needed for their costumes, we always helped with her ward Primary party while she was President. Oh man, there are days when I feel like I can not take one more minute of sadness and hurt. It feels ENDLESS right now. I started crying Wednesday night when we went to pack her. As soon as I saw the moving pods it became real. Then Thursday morning I tried to call and talk to her and I could barely get the words out. Tedi and Phil both have been such constants in my life. Ahhhhhh!!!! I feel like the carpet is being yanked out from under me, my world turned inside out and upside down, my heart broken, broken, broken. And an ache that only family can keep at bay enough to survive. And they are all leaving me!!!!!!!!! Her move is either very good timing, or very bad timing. I can't tell yet. I want Phil back. I want Tedi to stay. I want Ilse to move back. I want Zack to come home and be a part of the family again. I want, I want, I want. I know I am blessed beyond measure. I am just trying to find a way to release all of the hurt and the ache. I was hoping writing would help. It isn't . I. Just. Ache. 
I said to someone the other day. Everyone loves Fridays. And then I remembered, Phil left us on a Friday. I don't think I love Fridays so much anymore. Except it means I get to go home and be with my family. 
I'm trying. I really do want to be happy again. I want to heal. And I was even beginning to feel a lot better. And now Ted. I know she needs to go. And I am happy for her and Clinton. But oh how I will miss her. I just ache.