Hear Him

 Okay, so here is the whole business. Thoughts and feelings I am not proud of, but are there nonetheless. I am hoping as I write I will get them out of my system, and move on. 

I have been trying to go to Ilse's to see Dottie since May. But the children have balked over and over because of COVID. So, we kept saying okay we will wait until August, well August has been a mess and so I thought Labor Day Weekend, but they will be at Ted and Clint's because she feels sorry for Ted. Ted has seen Dot, we have not. They talk all the time. Ilse has less and less time to talk when I call if she answers at all. I feel like Ted is the Grandmother and I am what.......nothing. And if things go as far south as they are predicted we might not ever see her again. She doesn't see her Moore grandparents so maybe not seeing her Smith grandparents is how they want it as well. Maybe we have done something, or maybe we have done nothing. Maybe we are just not important. We have never forced our way into our married kids lives before, and I am not going to now even though I desperately want to see Dot and be part of her life. Very desperately. But, there is a reason this is happening, and although I don't know what it is, I will follow my mom and Phil's examples and let my children be.

Ha ha, and here is another kicker. Zack was here this weekend. He asked me to fix his jeans. So I did. Then when I got home, there is a bag of makeup samples on my pillow for....wait for it.......Luke. Ah yes, somewhere along the way I have become expendable to each and every one of my children. 

So here we come to the end of martyrland. And google it is to a word. And I need to go exercise. And oh well what the hell. Life goes on and so will I.

PS So I talked with Ilse. I decided not to tell her how I feel. It is good I did not, because she hit me again with a real whopper. I apparently call her, ask for her advice, then she gives it, and when she asks me later about it I tell her it is none of her business. I do not remember ever saying those things, but Ilse says I always say that and I just forget everytime. But according to her I have said it to her often. Just for the record, that is just as true as Cameron's accusation that we blew some sort of CIA investigation. I do not know why this stuff is happening, I do not know why we are having so much contention in our lives, why so many things are being thrown at us right now, but I do know one thing. I can learn to live without my children if I have to. I am not going to force myself on them, and degrade myself. I do not know why Ilse feels towards me the way she does since Dot's birth, but there it is. So, I am done. I will always be here for them, but I am no longer their doormat. Or anyone elses. She is accusing me of things I have not done. So, I will no longer reveal myself to her, or allow myself to be used. If she wants to put me on the same level as her in laws, so be it. I am not them. I have not done the things they have done. And if they do not want us in their life, then so be it. I do not want to disrupt their lives, esp sweet Dot's or cause them pain. I never in a million years would have dreamed this is how it would be, but here it is. So, I will turn to the Lord, live my life, let them live theirs and get on with things. I think it is best we did not go to AZ afterall. If I can cause this kind of havoc in their lives a state away, imagine what I would have caused being in their home. Funny, one of the last things Heber said to me was, "Laurie, you can come back anytime you want." I wish they still felt that way but they don't, so, life goes on, I will survive and perhaps someday things will be better. I am going to stop being hurt over my kids, stand up for myself and be okay. I have other people who do love me, and who do care about me, and who do feel I am a person of worth. So, done.