Pardon Me While I Process

 I woke up this morning with more in my head. When Ilse first got pregnant with Dot I was not allowed to tell anyone. So, I didn't. Until Esther's wedding, Esther knew so I stupidly assumed it was okay to tell a few family members, I did, she found out, and I got a phone call. After Dot was born, I copied a picture of Dot and sent to everyone for Christmas. I got a phone call. I started a children's book called Little Dot, I got a phone call. Last night Ilse sent a video of Dottie to Tedi and Erica, and I finally figured it out. She does that on purpose. She leaves me out on purpose. (After I sent those photos out and got a phone call, about a month later I got another phone call. All about how the family never asks for pictures of Dot. Her friends ask more than her family. I thought we weren't suppose to have pictures! How blinking confusing can you get? It is literally damned if you do, damned if you don't.) I have to ask for pictures, and sometimes I get them, and sometimes I don't. I stopped asking. And I did not even realize it today. I stopped because I knew I had to. It was the only way I would get them.  But she shares with Tedi and Erica weekly.  On a polo account that is just for the three of them. There is a polo account for all four of us, but she shares it on the one for just the three of them. I have had to ask Erica to share them with me ever since Dot was born, and I kept telling myself, she is just trying to cheer Erica up. Or make sure Toot is included. Slow to see the truth. Because in my heart I knew, that if they could cut off Heber's parents, they could do it to us too. So I walked on eggshells, and it doesn't matter, because it happened anyway. And I can live with that. What I am struggling with is, things like Nick's upcoming wedding. What it will be like to have Ilse and Heber and Dot here, Ilse not speaking to me, or allowing me to have contact with Dot. It would be easier to never see them again. I didn't ask Erica to share the video with me, but she did anyway. I could not even watch. It hurt too much. If I cannot have contact with Dot, then I don't want to see or hear about her at all. I cannot afford the pain. And it is painful, so, so, painful. I have known people in the past, Phil for one, whose children have cut them off in one way or another, and I have always felt so badly for them. Who knew it would happen to us. Who knew? I guess I did, it just took me this whole time to wake up! Well, I have woken up to a lot of things, and this is just one more. And I can take it. I will survive this. I have to. God loves me, and He has a work for me to do. So, go on we will, go on we must. And I will learn to live with the hurt. And I will get more used to it. All will yet be well. Maybe in heaven this will all get worked out. Maybe. We will see. I am not counting on it. I am not counting on anything.